England versus France versus phones

Previously on MasterChef Dani flirted with disaster ... oh no,wait ... flirted with the chef she was competing against and the voice of MasterChef – MasterVoice – tells us that last night Dani resisted the charms of Alessandro Pavoni, and for that won an immunity pin. Wasn't there at least some cooking involved?

Meanwhile tonight Matt Preston drops a bombshell at the MasterChef house, which in these security conscious times could well see him in a lot of trouble. But what's bad news for one is good for another speaketh MasterVoice, as Preston asks everyone to "please welcome back..."

...the explosion. Really? I didn't know the explosion had gone anywhere.

Also, MasterVoice explains that there will be a team challenge. It'll take place in Marco Pierre White's kitchen, where we are told "there is nowhere to hide." Which is not strictly true as the thirty seconds of footage hides rather well whoever it is that we have welcomed back. Unless it really is the explosion?

Finally, in a shock twist we are informed that the losing team will face elimination. Oh no wait, that's what the losing team always faces. Well, at least they can't say they weren't warned. Repeatedly.

Cue the music.

It is dusk over Sydney. Matt Preston welcomes the team and informs them that tomorrow they will become culinary warriors waging an age old battle between the French and the English. An age old culinary battle that is about as well matched as a military battle between the United States and Dubbo.

We are teased with the hint that their leader will be an English chef who cooks French food and has been dubbed the Godfather of modern cuisine. Peter can't imagine who it is. Clearly he didn't see the opener where we got told. Preston says we won't find out who it is 'til the morning. MasterVoice can almost be heard coughing awkwardly out the back.

The winning team will get to spend the day exploring the city's culinary delights with Anthony Bourdain. Peter tells us that "this guy is kind of the wild, party-man chef." As he says this we see Bourdain at the fishmarkets demurely tasting crab, dressed in a jacket, long sleeved shirt and chinos. I can't help but wonder what parties are like in Peter's world. And how do we make sure we don't get invited?

As Dani won the invention test she gets her rewards. She can choose French or English.

Dani: I'm going to take French.

You can insert your own humorous interpretation of that sentence.

Secondly Dani gets to choose her team. She tells us she has to choose the best people. Those who will work together as a team. That she must leave her friends aside. She chooses Kate, Hayden, Peter and Michael. Who now know they aren't Dani's friends. The others know they are her friends, but she doesn't think they can cook. Good work Dani!

The not-Danis have to choose a captain and Sun immediately steps forward to state that they have chosen Alana. Sun tells us that the reason she took control and chose Alana to be leader was because she is good at it. Particularly when Sun tells her what to do.

Cut to the house where Kate is right in the middle of explaining that there's a weird feeling tonight with the two teams breaking in to two groups to plan when ... Matt Preston pulls up outside.

Finally! It's here. The moment we could never have seen coming despite a month of media coverage and the none-too-subtle efforts of MasterVoice at the top of the show. In fact, this is such a surprise visit that the cameraman recording it barely had time to get in to the bushes so he could capture Matt's entrance from the perfect angle.

Matt walks in to find Mat Beyer sitting alone, somewhat undermining Kate's statement of mere seconds ago that the two teams had split up to plan. Mat seems entirely surprised by Matt's visit. So surprised that his bags are packed and in the hallway.

Downstairs, Matt sits Mat (seriously couldn't they have chosen a judge with a different name?) down.

"Mat you made a mistake and used a personal phone which is against the rules of the competition."

And that is all we're going to be told it seems. Those hoping for details of what he did - heck, even broad brush strokes - are going to be sorely disappointed. Perhaps in the MasterChef House all property is theft? By claiming possession of the phone or any item Mat identified himself as a member of the bourgeois elite. Yes, he looks bourgeois. Emo-bourgeois.

"The fairest thing for all the contestants and for you is for you to make an honourable exit from the competition."

An honourable exit? Are we going to see duelling Matts? Global Knives at dawn!? No? No. Preston just means an exit under a cloud of ill-defined phone-usage. "Honourable exit" doesn't mean what it used to back in the day.

Mat is shocked to the point of no facial expression whatsoever. Totally off-the-cuff, without any premeditation and entirely improvised, his first reaction is: "I did the wrong thing and I deserve to go. I feel really guilty. It was the wrong thing to do, it was a rash decision, but I made a stupid mistake and I guess I'm paying for it now."

In fact, Mat's first entirely unplanned response isn't enough so we cut straight to him sitting outside the same room. "It wasn't to cheat. It wasn't to have one up over the other contestants. I'd just really been struggling because I was missing my girlfriend."

Mat, when your explanation sounds like it was written by Shane Warne, it's just possible you're in trouble.

Matt Preston has a word of consolation. "If you need any help, in trying to move forward in chasing your dreams in food, you know where we are". I really want him to add "we're just a phone call away", but sadly no.

You know, it's odd. In all of these shots, Mat appears to be the only one in the house. It's almost like the other members of the household have deserted him. Like they've flown to New York and left him behind. Like this was some sort of carefully constructed exchange shot out of sequence to provide Mat with a moment of Mea Culpa. Thankfully we know this is reality so that could never happen.

In case you weren't sure that Mat feels bad, we see him back in his room taking down the photos off his wall. In fact he felt so bad he put these photos up, just to take them down, as they weren't on the wall when Matt came in to get him mere seconds ago.

Finally Mat walks out and simultaneously narrates: "I'll always regret bringing the phone, but I'll never regret coming on here". But if he's left, how did he record the voice over? I guess he must have phoned it in (sorry).

Now, in an entirely separate scene that was without any doubt shot immediately after the exchange we just witnessed, the remaining six members of the house sit on the sofas and look surprised as they are told Mat has left. In fact I'd say they look about as surprised as people who are being told about something that happened quite some time ago. Dani looks like she's trying to remember to be upset. Ellie looks like she's trying to remember what Matt's talking about.

Hayden goes to his special place – the well lit white room – to explain to us that Mat did something wrong and that has to have repercussions. Alana points out that what Mat did wasn't fair, as they all wish they'd been in touch with loved ones. Peter thinks that the suggestion that Mat could have looked up recipes is enough to have him evicted. Which is true, though in fact he's the first person on the show to actually suggest it.

Matt says the rules require the last eliminated contestant to come back. The others look at him like they're not sure what that means. Which is slightly embarrassing for all concerned really, particularly as the guy they're not remembering is obviously going to be standing around the corner. Preston says its Billy and that clears it up a bit. Everyone hugs. Mat is forgotten. Honestly, it's like a house of goldfish.

And the MasterChef logo explodes...

... to be replaced by Dave and Charlie from the 7PM project promising to explain everything tomorrow on the 7PM project (at 7PM) when Mat will be a guest and explain exactly what happened. How refreshing. It's rare that a network runs an ad that actually points out that their own high-rating show has just completely dropped the ball.

After the break the blue and newly-constituted red teams walk into Felix to find a man in a white t-shirt wearing a tea towel wrapped around his head (I genuinely think it is a tea towel, that's not a culturally insensitive metaphor for a turban) prepping oysters. They burst out laughing. Michael can't believe Professor Quirrell has been allowed into the kitchen. Kate on the other hand tells us that it is Marco Pierre White.

Sun is star struck. "He holds God knows how many Michelin stars." If only Mat were here to look that up on his phone.

"He's a rock star" gushes Hayden. I'd love to see Marco playing a set at the Cronulla Leagues club.

Gary asks if the teams are happy or terrified. Both they say, after all, who knows when Voldermort is going to appear from the back of Marco's head.

"I'm here to guide you. And to protect you. And to assist you. Remember, perfection is lots of little things done well." He's not Quirrell. He's Confucious!

Michael and Alana give us the low down. They've got 3 hours of prep time and 2 hours to serve. 30 people to feed. And zero credit left on their mobiles.

It's all French for Blue. A lobster bisque with lobster and scallops from Hayden for entree. Peter and Michael are doing Quail for main. Kate is making a white chocolate mousse for dessert. Alana has confidence in her red team. Sun is working on her entree 'eggs and chips'. Billy is "the pork belly King" for main. Ellie's pudding is an Eton mess chocolate tart.

Back at Blue Peter is worried. Dani has given him a one minute twenty second turnaround time for each quail. His PB is two minutes thirty. It's not good enough. He'll never get to the London Olympics with that time. Perhaps its time to call in Laurie Lawrence to coach him. Marco suggests Peter not de-bone the quail and make double the amount. Peter knows better. I wouldn't trust the guy with he-who-shall-not-be-named on board either.

Sun informs us that she is making a witty dish. It's a classic play on egg and chips. The play is written by Oscar Wilde with music and lyrics by Cole Porter.

Billy is pouring cider in to his main. Ellie's putting white wine in her pudding. And Alana is putting up little signs around the kitchen for her team. 'ET phone home'. 'Phone a friend'. 'Call me'. Would all have been far more inspired than the 'have fun' notes. Ah well.

Sun turns to Alana and explains to her that, as leader, she has made a mistake. There's no gelatin. Alana explains to us that "if it was something as simple as a few kilos of carrots, we'd be fine". The few kilos of carrots standing behind her look a little put out by that, however their only response is "I know you are but what am I?" Sadly they're not as witty as Sun's dish.

I'm-not-the-leader Sun explains is a problem and "we will have to rethink this entree." Marco to the rescue. Alana explains to him (with Sun standing by to make sure is leading right) that they don't have any gelatin. Marco suggests an alternative remedy using a large mixer. Won't they sink? Not if we cast non-entree-gravitas spells points out the Master of Defence Against the Dark Arts. Sun, Alana and Hermione are all very happy and run off to tell Hagrid.

Hayden has finished poaching his lobsters so he lays them out on a platter of Chux super wipes. Matt Preston's sponsorship deals don't allow for this so George steps in and points out that the lobsters should probably be on ice, not highly absorbant non-endorsed products.

45 minutes til service. "Where's the joy of cooking?" asks Gary?

"On the bookshelf Next to The Joy of Sex." replies Sun's dish. It really is witty.

Dani's upset that Michael is listening to Marco. I'd listen to him too. Avra Kadavra is only a tea towel away.

Yet Dani pulls rank, proving to Michael that "a team captain who's losing it" trumps "one of the greatest cooks ever." Marco doesn't cast a spell. This time. Dani's important meeting is to tell everyone to keep cooking.

Ellie is confused. No, I know, it surprised me too. Her ganache tart may not set in time. Marco tells her that she needs 1.3 litres of cream. She looks blank. He reinterprets. "You need four cups of cream". She looks blank. "You will need to whip it to a ribbon. Do you know what I mean by ribbon?" Ellie smiles vacantly. He may be an Englishman who cooks French food, but he doesn't speak Ellie. We cut to Ellie standing in her mystical white place of blenders and she admits "he started talking measurements and I was like... what?!" It's called 'cooking' Ellie.

I think at this point if Marco removes his tea towel turban and drapes it over Ellie she will instantly go to sleep.

Marco warns that the teams have only 8 minutes. It will be the fastest 8 minutes of their lives. Peter smirks. He's thinking of this one time when he was a teenager. Marco cuts him off. "Trust me you won't find me funny in an hour."

Dani has pulled everyone on to making the entrees, which concerns Michael. Dani's losing her grip. Ellie's losing her tart. It's a great time for customers. As Kate says "When you actually see the customers walking in and you know you're not ready for service it's horrifying." Horrifying, but surely by now familiar?

Two customers clink their champagne glasses and its like a red rag to a bull - or a black and white checked rag to a forehead - for Marco. Something changes. Peter, ruminating from his white celestial culinary palace, is surprised. "Until now he's been quiet and gentle like a spiritual leader". Oh, is that the shroud of Turin on Marco's head? Nope, but it may be concealing horns thinkis Ellie. "He went into Psycho mode". Peter's channeling another film entirely. "He turned his teatowel and it's like he flicked a switch" he says in his best Sylvester Stallone from Over The Top.

Marco is calling the orders and calling, literally, for panic. Marco wants ten entrees straight up. "Not six and four, I want ten". Frantically Ellie in the background counts this out on her fingers and after only three goes confirms Marco's maths. She's a real cook now.

On the blue team, Dani and Michael are arguing over whether Peter should put his quails in the oven. It's so horrible when Mum and Dad drag the kids into the middle of the argument and roast them.

Alana explains that the first entree goes out in under five minutes. The blue team... not so much. She doesn't even look smug. Sun steps in to be smug for her. It's nice that Alana could delegate the smug.

Michael wonders if perhaps the blue team had too much on their plate to start with. As the problem is they currently have nothing on their plates does that mean they've just been doing the washing up?

The local outpost of the Marco Pierre White fan club comes to order as Gary, George, Matt and Matt sit down to eat. George has brought Marco's book to get signed. So has Gary. So has Moran. Preston has brought a joke book.

Presented with Sun's Egg and Chip quoth Matt "Can I just say, Bon apper...chip?"

No. No you can't. Realise though that this sort of bad joke is a service. It proves that by comparison, George is actually a genius at delivering food based puns. George may just be as witty as Sun's meal.

Matt loves the smell. Also that it's pretty as a picture. George is worried that they've overcooked it, based on the time it has taken to arrive. Gary points out however that having actually tasted it, it's "absolutely delicious."

Finally the blue entree arrives and Preston says this dish managed to take us straight to France. That explains the delay, if you think about the distances involved they've actually made good time.

Billy has a quick chat with the camera, admitting that "this is the first time that I've been really nervous and really out of my comfort zone." Odd, as one would have thought that the king of pork belly would be at home cooking... pork belly. In fact, given he's been eliminated before does that mean Billy was sent home from the very middle of his comfort zone? How embarrassing!

"I'm waiting for my quail! I'm waiting for my quail! I'm waiting for my quail!" Would somebody please get this man a quail?! Marco has started yelling everything three times.

Back at the book club, the boys are very happy with Billy the king-of-pork-belly's pork belly. It's perfect. The king-of-pork has delivered a dish direct from his realm, that is simultaneously out of his comfort zone. A feat of geographic proportions.

As George points out, what makes this more impressive is Matthew Preston has dropped food all over his shirt. Matthew Preston takes advantage of this to do a full rotation (well an arc of 15 degrees) to demonstrate his cross-hatched designer blue suit and the tiny spot of yellow that is 'all over' his shirt. Surprisingly he does not take advantage of this to pull out a roll of Handee wipes!

The blue kitchen is turning into bigger maths questions than Ellie could hope to tackle. "How long for eleven quail... how long for eleven quail... how long for eleven quail?" asks Marco. Is that 33 quail or... "Nine minutes" says Dani "or five". Somehow that doesn't please Marco.

Ellie seems to be aware of the maths in the room and has dropped the ball on the desserts for red. Marco's not happy here. "We want to go home... we want to go home... we want to go home..." look you're saying it three times already, if you just click your red heels together Marco you'll be there.

Finally the quail wings its way to the panel. The feeling is that it's on the not-that-generous side. One quail isn't enough for a main. They should ask Marco for another four quail, another four quail, another four quail. Gary suggests they just find out if what it tastes like. Turns out it's perfectly cooked.

Back in red and "without even thinking..." begins, yes you guessed it, Ellie. She has managed to make a mess of her Eton mess. Not one to be bothered with pesky things like details, she pours her cream into her pudding without looking to see she's actually whipped it into butter. Sun demonstrates how much she isn't the leader by explaining exactly what Ellie needs to do to Ellie.

She is interrupted by Hayden leaning around her to pass his deserts to a waiter. We know this by Hayden yelling "Billy on your Back. Billy on your back." Hayden is learning communication from Marco.

As the blue dessert arrives to be judged first, Matt comments that there's something about the sophistication of the champagne and the nursery of the white chocolate that appeals to him, proving that he is officially not a good babysitter.

Preston is less impressed with the red dessert. George is distinctly unimpressed with how it looks. Once again Gary has the radical suggestion of tasting the food. Moran is surprised to discover it tastes good, but it's salty. George doesn't know which way to go. He's indecisive. Should he ask Marco to sign 'with love' or 'warmest regards'. Always a problem.

Back in the kitchen nice Marco is back and says he's just here to be the contestants' friend. He only says it once though so they're not sure whether to believe him. He also points out tha twhat he thinks doesn't matter, it's up to the clients. And now he's off to tell the judges what he thinks. So, what he thinks sort of does matter. The clients, who in reality most certainly didn't pay for their meals, well who cares about them?

Dani provides her trademark recap. Alana provides the all important reminder that someone is going home. The MasterChef logo explodes.

In a mysterious cellar based judging room, Gary is excited like a school boy. He wanted to be yelled at by Marco too. He looks to Dani. Getting limited response he bellows "Dani!"

"YES MARCO!" Dani yells out in her best pre-prepared, non-contrived style. You know somewhere there's a producer who was really chuffed when they thought that up.

The continuity expert on the other hand was clearly exhausted by the Mat-eviction, because Matt Preston is still very much wearing his swanky cross-hatch blue suit, but with a mystically clean white shirt. Thank God they didn't draw attention to that stain earlier.

With some advice for Peter, Matt Moran happily suggests "Fill the cavity, but don't bone out". Moran is doing his best Nigella Lawson, but it's coming over a little more Julian Clary.

"This has been a once in a lifetime kind of day in the kitchen" Gary tells us. But only one team can come out on top. And the winner is... an exploding MasterChef logo. Shock. Horror.

Oh wait, it's not. The advertisers and the New York 'super week' get one more plug while we wait to be informed that the red team, you know the one who didn't have a complete meltdown, have won.

"I'm speechless" speeches Alana, while Sun sips from a drinking glass beside her. Neat trick.

George has a special shout out for Billy. "Thank you for coming back and thank you for giving us the best dish of the series." Billy is also speechless. Really, they're all just hoping they can get out of here before their phones ring.

Ellie is in shock that she's won, or so she tells us from her white personal place. In the background are three blenders. Count them with us Ellie. One. Two. Three. How many blenders are there Ellie? That's right, three! "I'm in the last eight" she giggles. It's hard to fathom how much that means to Ellie. It's hard to even gauge what that means to Ellie. Eight, like Schrodinger's Cat, is a purely theoretical device for Ellie.

Tomorrow night, Dani decides whether to use her immunity pin, and the promo video seems to successfully not give the game away.

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