Spotting a sexual abuser is much easier than you think

We see them in court. We see them on screen. We read about them. We know about them and their pain.

But we haven't known much about the perpetrators, except the famous ones.

Sometimes we hear the perpetrator is a good bloke. It's unfathomable, apparently, that the good bloke is violent.

Never gave a hint before this moment. Or not a hint that was public.

Then there are the ones who blithely confess. The ones who end up in jail and after 10 years vow to be good men. As if that's even possible. I have no faith in rehabilitation programs devised so far.

And what we already know about perpetration isn't all that useful. We get some information from perpetrators who have had contact with the criminal justice system - but that's a teensy proportion of the number of actual perpetrators.

Just take a look at the Australian Bureau of Statistics which will explain - clearly - that the vast majority of offences and perpetrators are never reported to police. It's too terrifying, too hard and sometimes it all just seems easier to let it go. Even if you do report, few progress to prosecution and then conviction.

We hope and pray it will never be one of ours. We hope and pray it will never be anyone we know. Turns out hopes and prayers are not enough.

And if we want to help victims, we have to stop perpetrators before they even start.

New research from the Australian Institute of Criminology sheds some light on perpetrators of sexual violence - and there are a lot of them. More than a quarter of men (26.6 per cent) say they have perpetrated at least one form of sexual violence in their lifetimes.

What were the behaviours described in this survey? There are three types across a range of behaviours.

First up, sexual harassment and coercion (including pestering someone for a date when they have already said no or manipulated someone into having sex with you, threats, guilt trips etc).

Think these are all pretty mild? This is why we have a sexual violence problem in this country - because Australians think that kind of behaviour is normal. At which point will we accept that no actually means no? Until we do that, life is still going to be all kinds of misery for women and girls.

The one we think we all know about, sexual assault (including unwanted touching, penetration and/or stealthing). Oh my god. Imagine removing a condom without permission? WTF is the matter with you? Like the feel of skin? I have some advice, none of which is printable. Condoms are good for multiple reasons and using one is a matter of necessity in so many relationships, one-night stands or other connections. Get with the program or go to a therapist.

And here's one so many Australians have experienced, image-based sexual abuse (taking or sending images without consent). I mean, this is all made worse by the whole deepfakes fiasco where any horror can be sent without nude photos ever having been taken of the victim. It's the pornographication of our relationships.

The AIC research tried to capture the vast array of acts. And it did. It also turned up some surprising results. Around one in six women say they have perpetrated at least one form of sexual violence in their lifetimes.

Say what? Yep, those are the figures.

So I asked Hayley Boxall. For years she was the manager of the Violence Against Women and Children Research Program at the AIC and is now a research fellow at the Australian National University. How on earth are women perpetrating this level of sexual violence?

First, she says, we need to accept the fact that some women are perpetrators of sexual violence. Then she explains that women are more likely admit to behaviours than men.

"If a woman did push or slap her partner, she is much more likely to cop to it. "Good girls' need to admit their faults.

"Men are much better at minimising and denying what they are doing," says Boxall. Men, she says, are much more likely to say: "Who me? I would never do that." Or they say of their female partners: "Even when she says no, she doesn't really mean it."

Michael Flood, sociologist and professor at Queensland University of Technology, is about to start a huge project on perpetration and says the AIC report is useful because it documents just how common various forms of sexual coercion are. But one thing is clear from the data we have - men's perpetration is more common and more severe - and there is a big gender gap when it comes to sexual assault.

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Flood says: "Strong cultural norms make sexual violence invisible and normal." Yep, the huge soft pressure to say yes, to conform to what we think society expects of us. Pleading, nagging, guilting. That's not lovely. It's not a good way for us to have relationships. Our definitions of rape and assault are too narrow for us to proceed with fairness and care.

How do we go forward? There are many good programs already but we need a national approach.

Boxall and Flood both say we need comprehensive primary prevention programs. You know the kind of thing: respectful relationships, consent education.

Boxall is a fan of Walk the Talk, devised by Women's Community Shelters, where schools partner with refuges and she says we need more development of community responsibility. And Flood says we urgently need a national approach to ending violent porn. A whole big task on its own.

Ok, that's six big jobs and we haven't started a single one.